One year ago today, I said goodbye to my dad for the very last time. I spent the entire day by his hospital bed, praying with all my heart for a miracle. Each and every time I saw some kind of response from him, I felt hope. I thought maybe, just maybe he would pull through. When I left that night, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done because I knew deep down that I would never see him again.
It’s hard to believe that an entire year has gone by. To me, it feels like just yesterday. I can still see his eyes staring up at me from his bed, pleading with me to either save him or just let him die. Which one, I haven’t quite figured out yet.
I lost one of the most important men in my life, one of the only people that I have ever been able to count on. My heart has been so empty without him and my life will never be the same. I still live with so much guilt, so much sadness and so much emptiness. Sometimes I get so sick in the pit of my stomach that I just want to vomit; extract all that nasty bile and maybe, just maybe I’ll awake from this horrible dream.
I know deep down that he is in a better place, finally at peace from all the heartbreak and suffering that he had to endure in his lifetime. But at the same time, I can’t help feeling that I could have, I should have done more. I should have shown him that he didn’t need her, that my mom was a useless person to love and devote his life to; that one day, if he let go, he might just find that true love he searched his whole life for.
But I suppose it’s too late for that, and now all I have to hold on to are my memories.
One of my best memories I have is our weekend together in Wisconsin Dells. We stayed at Great Wolf Lodge for the entire weekend. I think that was the best time I have ever had with him and I got to actually see him have fun. We see fun as overrated, but I honestly don’t think he ever had much fun and joy in life. This weekend was different. He was himself, he let loose, he had an amazing time! It just might have been one of the best in his life and I’m glad that I was able to share it with him, with all of the boys/men that I love.
Just look at him playing in the water with his grandkids. He had so much fun hanging out and playing with them.
Here he got drenched with the bucket, right along side his little Hut-Hut. I think that was a great weekend for us all and I’m so glad we were able to spend that time together.
We went on the jet boat tour and that was the most fun! We waited forever to board the boat, but so worth it in the end.
It’s a sad day for me and I know that in time, the pain will pass. But for now, it’s there; a constant reminder of heartache and pain. I love you dad. You will never, ever be forgotten and I hope you’re proud of who I’ve become.
