When my dad passed away in March, it was hard to imagine life ever being the same again. It was hard to imagine trying or even wanting to move on. It seemed as though we would all be stuck in limbo forever, holding on to every single ounce of sorrow and pain that we felt.
Having 7 of us grieving in one house has definitely not been easy. Sometimes we walk on eggshells so as not to make anyone else feel sad. Sometimes we lock ourselves away in a bedroom or the bathroom, letting the tears flow in a place that no one else has to see them. Sometimes we can’t help but let them flow right there on the table.
It has been a difficult two months, the hardest and saddest two months of my entire life. This pain will not suffice. I cry daily. I hear his voice. I heard it loud and clear the other night, lying there trying to fall asleep. It scared the living hell out of me because it was as clear as day, like he was there next to me. It made me hurt even worse.
That was Tuesday night. Then yesterday, my brother broke his hand and we were back at that same hospital; the same one I imagine his ghost walking the halls of. The place that we said our very last goodbyes; where we literally watched him dying, not being able to do anything to help him.
I cannot stop missing him. I cannot stop mourning him. I would give anything in the world to have him back here with us, anything at all to tell him how much we love him. I keep wishing I would just wake up from this nightmare, knowing all too well that it sure the hell isn’t a dream.
Some days it’s hard to even get up out of bed. It’s hard to put on my game face and be the super strong person everyone thinks I am. It’s hard to tell everyone not to worry, that things will be fine and they’ll work out in the end. Some days, I find that hard to believe myself. Especially the days where nothing seems to go right.
But life does go on. It has to. We can’t just stop time and live in the past, no matter how much we’d like to go back. We need to push forward, shove if you will. We need to find a good balance of normal again.
This isn’t to say that we’re not working on it. Everyone’s doing their part, trying to get things on track and back to normal. Like I said, life has to go on. It does not stop, rest or move aside for anyone.
I think that once we move and have our own space things will be so much easier. Having us all cramped together isn’t helping any bit right now. Thankfully the weather is getting nice out there, so we’ll be able to spend a lot of time in the yard. We’ll have a little more space that way.
We’re all looking forward to the move more and more every day. It’s just over a month away and time isn’t moving fast enough. I try to stay busy to make the days fly by, but sometimes that doesn’t even help. Then again, I try not to think about how busy we’ll be once we can get in there. There’s so much work to be done, our Summer’s going to be full! But, it will be worth it in the end. After all, my dad and God helped us find the perfect house; a mix of the rustic farm we all love, enough space for us all and lake access. We never would have found this perfect house on our own.
